Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
