tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?