someone get that fucking seahorse.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I AM VODKA MAN
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.