Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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