im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
