She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
