soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
