I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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