Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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