My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
