u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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