Your tits are I can't wait for
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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