o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
