It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
