turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
