I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
