so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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