I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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