You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
