Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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