The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
