Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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