When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
