You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
