i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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