my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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