I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
