the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
