You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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