I think I won the penis lottery.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
