I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
