A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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