so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
