is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
