It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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