This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
