Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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