also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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