its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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