omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My balls are so social today.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
