His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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