i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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