A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
