Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
