She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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