she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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