My room smells like vodka and shame
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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