Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize