tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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