dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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