I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
