apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
