So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
