I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
