I haven't been this sober since birth.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
