we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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