Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
