good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
