Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
